It's Barbie's Birthday!
In the 51 years since Barbie entered our homes, we've noticed a difference in her 'quality of life' compared to the average woman. In fact, Barbie is doing much, much better in life than rest of us. The cars, boats, houses, furniture. The clothes. Face it, Barbie has good stuff. And, careers galore! Is there anything she can't do? But what we find really, really annoying is that none of HER moving parts seem to be drifting southward with middle age.
And so, we present this list of some new Barbie dolls to coincide more accurately with her age...
- Bifocals Barbie -- Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
- Hot Flash Barbie -- Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
- Facial Hair Barbie -- As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
- Flabby Arms Barbie -- Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
- Bunion Barbie -- Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
- No-More-Wrinkles Barbie -- Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
- Soccer Mom Barbie -- All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
- Mid-life Crisis Barbie -- She ditched Ken last year. Now Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a Bed & Breakfast. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
- Recovery Barbie -- Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
- Post-Menopausal Barbie -- This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries alot. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
